WELCOME TO THE BEST PLACE ON THE INTERNET TO BUY A FART!
BEHOLD, IT IS TOBY
THE GREATEST FARTER!
He is a Fart-Powered Man of Mystery!
Marvel at the amazing abilities of Toby! Using only the power of farts, he can levitate in mid-air! Pretty cool, right?!?Click on the “Buy Now” button below to purchase one of Toby's farts for the low, low price of FIVE BUCKS!—You Pay, He Farts.Shipping is always free if you're nearby.
(Container not included.)
Farts sold to date: 0000008!
CUSTOMER TESTIMONIALS:
FART OWNER AND FAN:
MARK M. of INDIANA WRITES:“Suitable for framing! Brilliant!”
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FART OWNER AND FAN:
AMY H. of OHIO WRITES:“Your Individual Fart Profile is a nice touch.”
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FART OWNER AND FAN:
JACOB R. of OHIO WRITES:“This is so great! I couldn't pass it up.”
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HERE’S HOW IT WORKS:
The instant you buy a fart Toby goes to work! Whether he starts slurping down a chilidog or perhaps he orders extra beans on his burrito—
Toby understands the significance of fueling up!
After your individual fart has been birthed, our crack team of fart stewards (Smelliers™ as they are called in the biz), get to work grading and calculating the pedigree of the factors that make-up your individual fart. It’s a pain-staking process that can’t be rushed. Many Smelliers™ spend years in France perfecting the art of fart stewardship. But I digress...
Once properly analyzed, your fart is given an Individual Fart Profile™ measuring factors such as aroma, density, and noise—just to name a few. The culmination of these efforts is finally realized through the issuing of your individual Certificate of Fart™. The Certificate of Fart™ is a tangible way for you to expresses the pride your fart purchase will bring you. It is suitable for framing and will be sent in digital form directly to the Paypal email address used for purchase.
Many have remarked that we must now live in the future if fart ownership is possible. Click on the “Buy Now” button to join the elite of the elite, where fart ownership isn’t just a dream—it’s a reality. Don't waste your money buying a star or an acre on the moon. Own a fart. —You Pay, He Farts.
NOW IS THE TIME TO ACT!
In honor of our partnership with Boat Rater, the team at tobyfarts.com has decided to run a fart special:
By clicking on the "Buy Now” button above, you can Buy One Fart and Get One Free! BOFGOF!!!
Anyone who buys a fart will receive an additional fart at no extra charge! Simply specify for whom you would like that second fart custom crafted. Maybe one for you and one for Mom? Maybe both Grandma AND Grandpa need farts? The possibilities are endless.
CHECK OUT OUR MERCH:
WHAT THE ELITE HOLLYWOOD CELEBS ARE SAYING:
INTERNATIONAL CELEBRITY:
Kevin McDonald legendary comedian and star of shows like: The Kids in the Hall, Friends, Seinfeld, & That 70s Show says:“It is a lot of fun! Tobyfarts.com—I like it better than eating!!!”
HOLLYWOOD CELEBRITY:
William Hung from the Hit Television Series AMERICAN IDOL says:“Congratulations…tobyfarts.com…incredible…amazing…”
A SCIENTIFIC COMPARISON:
AVERAGE HUMAN FARTS versus TOBY FARTS
THE AVERAGE HUMAN FART:
The average human fart is composed of about 59% nitrogen, 21% hydrogen, 9% carbon dioxide, 7% methane and 4% oxygen. Less than 1% of their makeup is what makes farts stink.
A TOBY FART:
Toby Farts are quite unique in their chemical composition. Toby has the ability to shift his fart chemical composite percentages to any conceivable combination—either pre or post fart. Would you like a little more stink? No problem. How about a higher methane to oxygen ratio? Easy. Because of Toby’s rigorously selective diet and highly trained intestinal bacteria—the characteristics of a Toby Farts are limitless.
THE AVERAGE HUMAN FART:
The temperature of an average human fart at time of creation is 98.6 degrees Fahrenheit.
A TOBY FART:
Remember, that’s average. Toby Farts are far from average! The best way to think about a Toby Fart is to liken it to a high-end, luxury product. It could be said that Toby Farts are the Rolex of farts, or even better, the Bentley of flatulence. Because of his expansive farting talent, wisdom, and focus under pressure, Toby Farts are only birthed at a cool 46 degrees Fahrenheit every time. Farts that cold ooze luxury. Abraham Lincoln once said: “Farting at ordinary body temperature is plebeian at best.”
THE AVERAGE HUMAN FART:
Some human farts have been clocked at a speed of 10 feet per second.
A TOBY FART:
At times, Toby Farts have broken the sound barrier. Toby Farts have even approached the speed of light—losing their ability to be seen by the naked eye. In the future, Toby hypothesizes that he will be able to create farts that are not bound by our current space/time continuum. (That’s right, time traveling farts.) Conversely, he has also produced a fart that moved so slowly that upon analysis from the greatest scientific minds of our generation, that fart had to be classified as a solid instead of a gas.
THE AVERAGE HUMAN FART:
An average person produces about half a liter of farts a day.
A TOBY FART:
Toby produces at least a keg of farts every day.
THE AVERAGE HUMAN FART:
The gas that makes ordinary human farts stink is hydrogen sulfide.
A TOBY FART:
Toby has found a way to replace the hydrogen sulfide in his farts with an artful mix of jackassery and chutzpah. Just as funktastic, this dangerous duo not only emit a pungent biting aroma, they also drive the ladies crazy of course.
YOU CAN’T ARGUE WITH FART SCIENCE!
THIS IS THE BEST PLACE ON THE INTERNET TO BUY A FART!
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